


An Excerpt from the Diary of Diana Villiers

by Derien



Category: Aubrey-Maturin Series - Patrick O'Brian, Master and Commander - All Media Types
Genre: Diary/Journal, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-14
Updated: 2013-06-14
Packaged: 2017-12-14 23:35:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/842727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Derien/pseuds/Derien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Diana is self-congratulatory and thinks herself quite a woman of the world, but she tends to want what she can't get.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Excerpt from the Diary of Diana Villiers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [esteven](https://archiveofourown.org/users/esteven/gifts).



> Written for the only edition of "The Dear Surprise," a birthday gift 'zine for Esteven which was arranged by Sharpiefan.

Mr. Canning visited just after dinner - a delightful chat we had, such an excellent example of a man of business, and very charming. He always brings me a present when he visits, and today he surprised me by finding out one of my debts and paying it. A most kind gesture. I'm sure he suspects that most of the jewellery he has brought me has gone toward paying debts, and that I haven't received as good a price for them as he paid, jewellers being as they are. Of course he cannot marry me, being already inconveniently married, and our ridiculous British laws not allowing that more than one liaison be acknowledged, legally. I must admit I think the natives of India were possibly more advanced in their thinking in this respect, although they had some ideas which were quite strange and shocking. It's travel and seeing things, though, which helps get a perspective on these things, and most of this benighted nation has not done as much of that as I. Given how many men have second and third allegiances, and high-ranking men in government - why, Nelson himself, and he a hero of all! - one might think the laws would soon change, but then tedious, hidebound false morality causes those same men to publicly despise each other.

And if one could marry more than one, why Jack Aubrey might well make a fine husband, too, if he were one of several for me (for I think he could not support me in the style I like on his own income, sporadic as it is). I do think that if he could marry both me and Sophia he could be a happy man, but he wants so badly to marry Sophie, and therefore can't make me an offer. I can see it in the way he looks like a pole-axed calf when her name comes up, and sometimes I hate both him and her for that, and feel she is a stupid little fool - for she wants him, too, but is too good a daughter to challenge her mother on this. My grasping Aunt Williams will want any bit of any husband's money to be in her own control before she'll allow her eldest to marry anyone at all, least of all Jack, who seems unable to hold on to a brass farthing for a quarter of an hour together. 

And, lovesick fool that he is, he's all 'full sail ahead' or whatever his metaphor might be, when he's in battle (or in bed with me), but he's cowed by Aunt Williams and doesn't dare speak for Sophie.

Ha, I do seem to liken him to a bovine, don't I? A pole-axed calf, a cow... Well, he's often like a great, dumb ox. Oh, he's sweet, so damnably sweet that I find it hard to turn him away from my door when he appears, but it can grow cloying and boring. Maddeningly so, at times. 

Another maddening thing - when he talks about Maturin. And he rarely refers to him as Maturin when he begins to warm to his topic, but it's 'Stephen' this and 'Stephen' that, and 'Stephen' is so amazing. Oh, it's certain that the love between them is very great, but oh!

I return to this some two hours later - I found that I'd become so agitated that I needed to go out for a walk. The air helped calm me, though, and I suppose I must impart to my diary and admit to myself of the cause of my agitation. I believe I am quite jealous. Jack has Stephen. He certainly has - they are fastest of friends and have lived in each others' pockets for years, as close or closer than Jack could ever be with me, even if dear Sophie were not in the picture. She'll never have all his heart, either, and if she has his hand, well, I may pity her for it. 

Jack has Stephen. And - I must say it to myself - I do not.

Oh, I think Stephen perhaps has an interest in me, but when I challenged him that he would never be more than a friend, he did not rise to that bait at all, as most men would. If one were to tell most men that they are only a friend they immediately go about the business of trying harder to become more, and he did not. But I wouldn't say he seemed happy with it. I think... I think he's interested. He did bring me a scent I had mentioned to him, a difficult scent to find. I had wondered if he would go to the trouble for it, and he did. Unfortunately it's a gift I can't so easily re-sell, and I like it very much, and it makes me think of him all the time. If I were an ignorant Hindi woman I might think sorcery were involved, but I suppose he would say that scent is a very primordial thing, pulling at some deep inner instincts. 

But when I told him that his kissing me once or twice did not make me his possession (and I lied, didn't I?), again he took that meekly and simply turned cold. Did not make an offer, as I had hoped he might. Maddening!

I have to admit, if only to myself - I must be honest with myself - it seems the more difficult he is to lure in the more I want him. But I must make him offer, I must make him admit, I must make him want me. 

Sometimes, when Jack starts to talk about him I almost forget how annoyed I am with the both of them. With Jack for not being able to be forceful about Sophie, shilly-shallying between her and me, wasting my time and for his having Stephen, damn him. And with Stephen for being so cold and elusive, and having Jack. And when I see Jack's enthusiasm for Stephen light up his face, his eyes, and make him handsome, then I become caught up in it and reflect it back - and then, unkindest of all, Jack suddenly grows sullen with me, as though he is angry that I agree with him! As though I have no right to like Stephen, myself! Oh, it is too unkind! Selfish beast; he has him and wants to keep him all to himself! And it's not like Stephen is such a prize, after all. Short, unkempt, can barely speak aloud if there's more than two people in the room. Why do I feel so about him? There are others much more desirable, objectively. Canning, for one. Why, even Jack, I suppose. Objectively. But Stephen somehow seems quite unlike anyone else, I don't think there's another like him, and sometimes my chest feels as though it's been kicked in by a horse when I think of him. He confuses me.

Now I've gotten myself all agitated, again. I really must freshen myself up before tea, as that nice Marine Captain said he might drop by. He sometimes likes to bring me a trinket, I must be prepared to accept it graciously. He is a dear, if a bit self-centred.


End file.
